Mixed Signals
by fatedfortunes
Summary: AU in which Phil is still the older, cooler, more self-assured guy that Dan can't quite believe he's friends with, only this time an upperclassman at university with him rather than a YouTube star. Dan/Phil (Phan)
1. The Lost Weekend

Dan's upset. It had been a crap week to begin with, but at least he had a trip to London to visit his childhood best friend over the long weekend to look forward to.

Or at least he did, before the sky turned a menacing shade of gray and began to vomit out snow. He knew, with a sinking feeling in his stomach before he even checked, that his train would be cancelled.

So now he was sat on his dorm room floor staring at his packed rucksack and feeling rather sorry for himself.

Dan had surprised himself recently by making a few friends, but that still didn't mean he was enjoying university. He was too awkward, always making a fool of himself in social situations. He hated his law coursework, and he had no idea what he was doing with his life.

Wasting it laying in bed on the internet mostly, he thought.

Thankfully, the morose turn of his thoughts was interrupted by a sharp knock. Dan was a bit startled as he didn't have many visitors. After a few startled encounters walking in on him flailing around talking to a camera, the kids on his floor had quickly begun to avoid Dan's room.

Curious, he pulled himself up off the floor to answer the door.

"Hey Dan! I heard your trip got cancelled, so I'm here to cheer you up."

It was Phil, of course. He hardly knew anybody else well enough to have them show up at his room, yet Dan never failed to be surprised that Phil actually wanted to hang out with him.

It wasn't that Dan thought he was such an unlikeable person, exactly. It was just that Phil was so cool. Not the vapid, clichéd cool of the head cheerleader or the football captain, but somebody interesting and witty and self-assured.

He seemed to run with an entirely different crowd to Dan. He was outgoing, friendly and immensely charismatic, with a bit of a wild side. Dan often felt like he was in out of his depth with Phil, but for whatever reason, Phil seemed to like him.

"Hi," offered Dan, moving aside to let his energetic, grinning friend through.

Phil shook the lingering snow out of his longish dark black fringe and quickly slipped out of his wet boots.

"The snow's so pretty, but damn it's cold out there. Good that I have just the thing to warm us up," he continued, unzipping the top of his messenger bag.

"Vodka," he announced, pulling the bottle from its depths. "What have you got for mixers?"

Dan hung back for a second, taking in the sudden flurry of activity, but he couldn't help but return Phil's mischievous grin.

"I think there's some orange juice in the fridge, maybe be some cranberry I nicked from the canteen."

"Excellent," Phil responded, already pulling the bottles from the mini-fridge in the corner. "Cups...? Ah, I've got them. Two madras cocktails coming right up."

"That sucks that your trip got cancelled," Phil chatted as he poured. "I heard it's worse in town, although London pretty much comes to a screeching halt anytime there's a few flurries. The campus is well deserted though, so other people must have been able to get away. Would have been on my own if you hadn't gotten stuck, so I've got to say I'm a little happy you did."

Dan perked up a bit at Phil's confession as he reached out to accept the drink he offered at the same time. He was beginning to be rather glad to still be there himself, if it meant a whole evening with Phil.

"Yeah, I was kind of disappointed, but it's not so bad, I suppose. Jesus, how much vodka is in this?" Dan blurted out after his first sip.

Phil just chucked. "What else have we got to do tonight?"

A while later and onto their second round, the two boys were lounging on opposite sides of Dan's bed. Dan had begun to relax a bit more, not trying as hard to be entertaining enough to keep Phil's interest but rather just enjoying the natural flow of their conversation.

Despite their vastly different temperaments and lifestyles, they did have a some things in common. A mutual adoration for Muse, namely, but also a wickedly sarcastic sense of humor and a talent for innuendo.

They had met a while back at a party Dan had been dragged to the first week of term. Dan was the first to notice Phil, spying him across the room laughing and joking, clearly enjoying being the center of the attention of his little group. Basically the complete opposite of Dan, who was tucked into a darkened corner, clutching at his drink and attempting unsuccessfully to look more mysterious than uncomfortable.

He'd attracted Dan's attention not only because of his envious social ease, but, to be perfectly honest, because he was fit. The contrast of his dark hair with his almost luminously pale skin cut a striking image, but it was his intensely blue eyes, visible even from a distance, that made Dan feel a twinge in his stomach.

Dan had only recently begun to admit to himself that he was into guys as well as girls, but in moments like this, the sudden intensity of his attraction to this raven-haired stranger made it difficult to deny.

He allowed himself a moment to wonder what it might feel like to have those pale pink lips on his, to feel his broad shoulders under his hands. Whatever nascent fantasies Dan entertained, however, were quickly dashed as he watched the other boy slip aside with a prettyish blonde, making out with drunken ardor, hands roaming everywhere.

And that would have been the end of it, except towards the end of the party, the hallmate who had convinced Dan not to ditch early introduced him to some people he'd met. Along with meeting a bunch of people he didn't particularly care about, he learned that the attractive, most-probably-definitely straight, stranger was named Phil.

Miraculously, in Dan's eyes at least, the interest seemed to be at least somewhat mutual. Phil had tagged along with the group back to Dan's building and sat up talking with them in the lounge. The two had crossed paths several times since, mostly on the occasional evening when Dan could be cajoled into attending some party or another.

They got on well. With Phil's seemingly naturally affectionate personality and Dan's tendency toward rude jokes, it was not terribly surprising that they fell into decidedly flirty banter. It was all in jest of course, causing Dan the occasional prick of disappointment, but he was happy to take what he could get.

He wouldn't go so far as to call him a slut, but Phil was certainly rather free with his affections. Dan frequently witnessed the scene from their first encounter repeating itself, but despite the mixed signals that he sometimes thought he picked up on, he'd yet to see any other than a female in Phil's string of hook-ups.

And so it didn't surprise Dan at this point to feel Phil's hand on his arm or his knee as he made a particular point or even to occasionally find himself tacked to the ground in a play fight. That was just their dynamic, and he tried hard not to let his imagination read anything into it.

During a pause in the conversation, Phil fished his phone from the pocket of his skinny jeans. "Hey, I think a few of my friends are downstairs. Would it be alright to invite them up?"

Dan was momentarily saddened by the prospect of losing Phil's full attention, but of course he agreed. "Oh yeah, sure."

"It's just a couple people from my hall. I think you've met Matt and Hannah before."

Two blurry images rose in Dan's mind that he assumed were the people Phil was talking about. He was sure he'd met them out somewhere, probably had a conversation, but to honest when Phil was around everybody else just sort of melted into the background.

The newcomers arrived and fresh drinks were doled out. Not that it was the first for any of them.

Dan was feeling pleasantly warm and tingly, not even the jabbering of one of the drunker girls getting on his nerves as it usually might.

A while later, the gentle buzz had given morphed into decidedly drunk, but Dan didn't mind. This is what being a student is all about right? Being social, getting drunk, laughing and acting silly with a bunch of friends.

Besides, he wanted to try to keep up with Phil. Partly to see if he could and partly because he wasn't ready for the evening to end.

At some point they all ended up sat in a circle on the floor, cross-legged like they were in primary school. There was even a sing along at one point, even if it was Van Morrison rather than "Kumbaya." Dan brightened a bit as he thought back to it, remembering how Phil's gaze had seemed to linger especially long on him during "Brown-eyed Girl."

Dan was aware of Phil's leg pressed up against his in the confined space, the heat of it probably more than could be attributed to the temperature of his skin. Then Phil snaked an arm around him to rest casually on his shoulders. "So how are you feeling?" he asked, eyes just a little bit glassy as they met his own.

"I'm feeling pretty good, what about you?" Dan intoned with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"Excellent!" he chirped. "You know, I really am glad you're not away this weekend," Phil added in a lower tone.

"Eh, I guess it turned out alright."

Phil reacted by nudging his torso sharply into Dan's. "Hey!"

"Oh," he continued, "So I heard about this party down on the quad. You fancy heading over there? I feel like it might be time to move on."

Dan was distracted from the inquiry however, as Phil had simultaneously slid his arm down from Dan's shoulders to curve around his waist, his thumb playing over the shirt covered skin he found there.

Braving the cold to end up at some packed house party didn't sound like the best idea ever to Dan, but realistically he'd probably follow Phil just about anywhere.

"I'm down for whatever."

"Good," Phil smiled before turning his attention back to the larger group. His arm remained wrapped around Dan, however, fingers starting to fiddle with the hem of his tee. Feeling rather fearless at this point, Dan moved own his arm behind Phil to brace himself as he leaned back, resting closer to Phil's side, before he tried to pick back up on the main conversation.

One of the guys, Nate, Dan was pretty sure was in the middle of telling the story of some prank that he'd been in on a few weeks back.

"So we had all these cups in our room for like three days, right, so we couldn't let anybody in or else they'd want to know what we were up to. We had a hell of a time distracting our sub-warden. But we made it to Saturday night and set our alarms for 5a.m. after everybody would be back from parties. It took us way longer than we thought to fill them all up with water though. We totally thought we were going to get caught..."

Nate continued to talk excitedly, but Dan was far more interested Phil's hand, which had found it's way into Dan back jeans pocket. Ok, so he knew that this was their shtick, but this was crossing some kind of line surely. Still, he wasn't about to say no.

Eventually, Phil raised the idea of the house party and everybody else quickly agreed. They were all drunk, the girls wanting to dance and the boys wanting to try their luck at getting someone in their beds for the night.

Phil scrambled to his feet first, holding out a hand for Dan to follow. He swayed a bit as he stood up for the first time in a while. Might have been a bad idea to let Phil mix the drinks.

Coats and scarves were bundled into and a final round of shots was passed out "for the road." Caution long since having been thrown to the wind, Dan accepted his and downed it in one, wrinkling his nose at the taste and feeling it burn on its way down his throat. At least he probably wouldn't feel the cold.

Once outside the building, Phil slipped his hand around Dan's pulling him into a jog down the hill. Dan allowed himself to be dragged along, feeling young and free and alive under the clear night sky. He glanced over at Phil to catch his tongue poking adorably out of the side of his mouth has his face lit up with laughter.

They traipsed out of the building and down the path in a merry band, stumbling a bit and laughing a little too loudly. Phil and Dan stayed in constant contact with half hugs and held hands. Drunk and happy, Dan had long since ceased to question the older boy's extra-affectionate behavior and allowed himself to embrace it - whatever 'it' might turn out to be.

They arrived at a large, red-brick house. Presumably, it had once been an impressive structure, but time and the neglect of years of student renters had rendered it a bit shabby. There was clearly a pretty serious rager going on, music blaring and a few party-goers who had spilled out onto the porch for a moment of fresh air beer bottles still in hand.

A few of the approaching group called out greetings to the faces that they recognized, and they began to file through the open front door. Phil and Dan had hung towards the back of the pack, and as they ascended the concrete steps, Phil tugged his companion off to one side, motioning for his friends not to wait up.

Dan looked up questioningly as Phil gently backed him up against one of the wide doric columns of the porch. Even with his limited experiences in these matters, Dan recognized the look in his face as one of lust, his cornflower blue eyes flicking briefly to Dan's lips. Phil just smirked as he quirked an eyebrow in silent request for permission.

He must have seen what he was looking for in Dan's expression, as before the younger boy quite knew what was happening, he felt warm lips pressing firmly against his own. He quickly moved to return the kiss, lust and gratitude and alcohol mixing to fuel his desire to an overwhelming level.

Lips were parted, allowing tongues to explore hungrily, almost sloppily, as they snaked their arms around one another in a tight embrace. As they transitioned into full-on make out mode, Dan could feel his awareness of the world around him shrink down until all that mattered was the two of them.

Hands wandered freely, stroking backs, running over the planes of their chests, cupping a jawline or slipping into a back pocket.

Dan surfaced long enough to register that that there were people staring at them, making comments, but he couldn't bring himself to care, if caring meant that he'd have to stop kissing Phil.

At some point, the two broke apart enough to actually go inside, perhaps no longer kissing but still clinging to one another, wrapped up in their own little world.

Time passed in a blur for Dan as he slipped in and out of full awareness. Later, he'd be able to recall only flashes - shouts of recognition as they rejoin some of their friends, dancing in a crowded basement, grinding against Phil who has his hands firmly placed on Dan's hips, keeping him close, kissing Phil feverishly as he pressed him up against a wall.

Their exit from the party and the trip back to halls, however, were almost completely absent from Dan's recollection.

**A/N: **This is a probably wildly OC but hugely cathartic story that I've been feeling possessed to write lately. Make of it what you will. No hard feelings if phan isn't your thing - I promise to update Chance Encounters soon! I haven't given up on it! Review/criticism appreciate. Take care, xx.


	2. The Birthday Party

The next thing Dan knew he was laying on his bed, an arm flung over his fact to protect it from the sun now streaming through his window. When his eyes finally fluttered open, he quickly realized that he was not alone in his tiny single bed.

He glanced over at Phil, the memories of the previous evening beginning to wash over him, as well as the awareness of horrific headache. His face colored a bit as he relived their incredibly public encounter outside the house party.

As he tried to get from there to here in his memories, he stumbles over a vague recollection of Phil jamming his hand down the front pocket of his trousers to retrieve the room key that Dan was obviously too obliterated to employ properly.

Dan groaned a bit at the thought, trying to work out exactly how far the two of them had gone last night. He still had his t-shirt on, which was promising, but he couldn't quite be sure whether his lack of trousers was an effort to sleep more comfortably or an indication of seeking other pleasures.

As Dan lay there alternating between luxuriating in the memory of Phil's lips and hands on his body and berating himself for acting like a fool and ending up his best friend's drunken mistake, the generic music of a ringtone disrupted the quiet at a most inconsiderate volume for someone so hungover.

It wasn't Dan's phone - as if - so clearly it must be Phil's. This was confirmed when the older boy was roused by its familiar sound, looking around confusedly as he ran a tired hand over his face.

"Morning," Phil said with a half-smile as he reached over to the bedside table where he'd apparently deposited his phone before passing out.

"Good morning," returned Dan cautiously, just before Phil silenced the music, raising the phone to his ear.

"Hullo?"

"Yeah."

"Oh shit."

"Um, yeah, I'll be there soon. Give me five minutes."

Phil clicked off the call, already moving to get off the bed as he turned to Dan, "Hey, I'm so sorry, I've got this family thing...totally forgot about it. That was my sister. I've got to run, but I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

His tone was casual, as if he found himself in this sort of situation everyday. Although, come to think of it, he probably did.

Dan just watched as Phil continued to dress and gather his stray belongings somewhat unsteadily, bundling back into his jacket and scarf.

"Jesus, I feel like shit. What the hell did we drink last night? We ended up at Bierasinski's house party at some point, right? God, I barely remember. We're gonna to have to compare notes later."

"Yeah," Dan agreed faintly. He was anxious to know what Phil remembered and what exactly had happened between them, but he wasn't particularly eager to have that conversation.

"Alright, wish me luck I'm not sick into my mum's designer handbag at brunch. I'll see ya later, yeah?"

"See you later," Dan echoed.

And with that he was out the door, leaving Dan still spinning in his wake. Or maybe that was the hangover making his head spin. But either way, the activities of the previous evening had left Dan rather unsettled.

He groaned and burrowed deeper under his covers, hoping to fall back to sleep. He could deal with this mess later.

XXX

Despite the sense of looming implosion that clung to Dan over the next few days, things more or less returned to normal.

Dan had been afraid that the drunken debauchery of that night would mean his outing as bisexual, the inevitable taunting and shunning that would follow, and worst of all, the ruin of his friendship with Phil, but to his slight bewilderment nothing really changed.

Although a small part of him, which Dan tried desperately to ignore, hoped that their hook-up might be the start of some kind of actual relationship, he was mostly glad to follow Phil's lead and brush the entire incident under the rug. It avoided awkward questions about sexuality and feelings, but most importantly, it kept Dan and Phil's friendship intact.

There never was any big discussion of what had happened, beyond the mutual acknowledgement of their extreme drunkenness and a bit of nervous laughter before the subject was changed.

It was alluded to over the course of the next few months, but only ever in a glib, joking way.

Eventually, Dan accepted that he was just one more in a long line of drunken make-outs for Phil. He was pretty sure that it hadn't gone any further than that. They'd both woken up more or less clothed and they'd been so utterly pissed that he couldn't imagine they would have been capable of much more than passing out immediately.

Occasionally Phil would say or do something that would give Dan a glimmer of hope that he might have more than friendly feelings towards him, but it never seemed to materialize into anything.

Hell, he wasn't even sure if Phil properly liked boys or if he had just been a intoxicated lark. Drunken experimentation would certainly fit into Phil's slightly reckless personality.

Dan told himself that it was probably all just in his head and tried to ignore the slight fluttering in his stomach every time he found himself in the older boy's presence.

XXX

And so they continued on much as before. Phil was outgoing, impetuous, endlessly charismatic, and somehow willing to involve Dan in some of his adventures. Dan was just grateful to have somebody to liven up his days of interminable coursework and anti-social seclusion, his desire to impress Phil and fit in with his crowd pushing him intermittently out of his shell.

He didn't quite understand why someone like Phil - who was cool and fit and had friends and partied and generally behaved like a university student from an American film - would want to be friends with someone like him, but he enjoyed it nevertheless.

It was like he was allowed at the cool table in the lunchroom for the first time in his life, and now that he'd got a taste of that feeling, he was loathe to lose it. He just tried his best to keep up with Phil and desperately hoped that he wouldn't see through his brittle veneer "coolness" - or worse, pick up on Dan's more-than-friendly feelings towards him - and realize he wanted nothing to do with him.

This was more or less the state of things when it came to Dan's birthday.

While Dan would have been content to spend the day with his laptop and a giant pack of Maltesers, maybe have drinks with a few people, Phil had insisted on a big night out.

They (meaning Dan, Phil and Phil's friends) would meet up in Phil's room to pre-game, then head out to the clubs for dancing, flirting, and more drinking. That was the plan anyway.

Dan was still in his room, shimmying into his tightest skinnys and doing up a forest green button down. Phil had impressed on him that he was meant to look smart, so he figured that meant a proper shirt. After fussing with his fringe for a probably unacceptable amount of time, Dan was finally satisfied that he at least didn't look like a complete twat.

He headed over to Phil's a little apprehensive about what the evening would involve and all of the other people Phil had no doubt invited, but he couldn't help being excited to spend time with the him in any scenario.

There really was just something about Phil that drew Dan to him like a moth to a flame. It was a tired metaphor to be sure, but Dan couldn't really think of a better way to describe his attraction to Phil.

Phil was everything he was not, but for a few moments, he could make Dan feel like more. Like he was accepted, but most of all, like he was a normal teenager.

Not that he'd be a teenager for too much longer, he thought. Tonight was his nineteenth birthday. Dan thought back to his last birthday, when he was still in college, basically a friendless, miserable loser. He'd gone to dinner with his family at a crappy chain restaurant and then spent the rest of the night locked away in his room listening to music and trying to ignore the fact that he should be out at a bar for the first time, getting drunk and laughing with his friends. But he couldn't stand anybody from his school, not that they seemed to be too fond of him either.

Maybe tonight would be his chance to make up for lost time.

XXX

Dan's first hour at the party had been a whirlwind of jello shots and enthusiastic, if generic, birthday wishes. Phil had grabbed him a soon as he came through the door and insisted on introducing his round to everybody at the party. Dan was a bit uncomfortable being made the center of attention, but being the center of Phil's attention just about made up for it.

Eventually, Dan found himself standing in a small circle of half-familiar faces. They're taking shots of tequila now, licking salt from the backs of their hands and sucking on lemon wedges, grimacing against the taste.

Phil taught them a cheers that he had picked up on holiday in Mexico, and they repeated after him, "Arriba, abajo, en centro, al dentro!" They followed his motions with their shot glasses before tipping back the fiery liquor.

Dan felt warmth from the liquid travel through his body, making his cheeks flush and the room swim slightly, pleasantly, around him.

A few rounds in, Phil pulled Dan aside to go over the plan for continuing the celebration.

"So, I'm thinking the footballers' house first. They're having some huge house party with a some kid dj-ing and everything. We should really leave soon. I need to find somebody to make out with tonight," Phil announced. "And you need to find someone too, Daniel. None of that wallflower crap tonight. It's your birthday!"

"I'll see what I can do," Dan muttered, humoring him.

"Although," Phil continued, giving Dan an appraising sidelong glance, "I suppose we could always just make out with each other if we don't find anyone else."

Phil sounded so nonchalant that Dan couldn't work out whether or not he was kidding. If it was just a joke, he didn't want to make a fool of himself, but the quickening of his pulse at the memory of kissing Phil made him loathe to discourage him on the slim chance he was being serious.

Thankfully, he was saved from his deliberation when one of Phil's friends grabbed his arm and spun him towards her, pressing a shot glass into Phil's hand.

"Okay, one more and then we're out of here. Hey, birthday boy, get over here."

XXX

Unsurprisingly, things began to pass in a bit of a blur for Dan after that.

They were in a basement, dancing. It was a crush of hot bodies and loud music, lights turned down low.

Dan was too drunk to care much about looking like a tosser, and so he gave in to the silly dance moves that came so naturally to him in the privacy of his own room. He wiggled and bopped to the beat of the music with a silly grin on his face.

He was happy to be out, actually celebrating on his birthday, and especially to be there with Phil. The atmosphere and the drinks had conspired to make him feel affectionate even to the rest of the mostly unfamiliar group Phil had assembled.

Dan snapped out of his trance however when Phil grabbed his arm, whispering something rather urgently in his ear about another friend and needing to go help her.

Unsure if he was meant to, but not wanting to be left alone at the party without Phil, Dan followed his friend out of the basement and out into the chilly night air.

Dan hung back as he observed Phil approach a girl who seemed to be crying hysterically, flanked by an exasperated looking couple. As soon as the upset girl spotted Phil, she flung her arms around his neck, speaking animatedly about something Dan couldn't quite make out.

After a few minutes she calmed down, with Phil reassuring her at frequent intervals.

Once she was more or less stable, he turned her over momentarily to her other friends and turned back to Dan.

"I'm so sorry about that. That's Lauren, one of my best friends from secondary school. She's a great girl, but she doesn't always know when she's had enough."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, not it's not anything horrible. She just got way too drunk and got upset over something her ex-boyfriend said. She'll be alright. I'm going to get one of her friends to come out and pick her up."

"That's good," Dan agreed, still slightly spaced out.

Dan shivered a bit in the cold, so Phil grabbed his hand and tugged him to stand closer.

"I really am sorry, though. It's your birthday. You shouldn't have to deal with this crap."

Dan, however, was far too focused on Phil's hand still wrapped around his for it to have occurred to him to be annoyed.

"It's okay, really. Take care of your friend."

Phil flashed him a smile that made Dan's knees a bit weak.

"Alright. It's won't be a mo, then I'll take you back to go dance."

Dan nodded, returning the other boy's smile.

Phil pulled out his mobile and began to dial the number of Lauren's sober friend. As she picked up, he turned away from Dan a bit to speak to her, but he didn't let go of his hand.

XXX

As is typical of these things, everything took longer to organize than expected.

Phil's attention was directed away – a friend in need, a crisis to solve – but he didn't let go of Dan, never abandoned him.

And honestly, that means the world to Dan.

Someone else might have been upset or angry that this was happening on this night, his night, but Dan was totally content just just to stand there, pleasantly drunk, looking up at the night sky. He luxuriated in the feeling Phil's hand over his, his thumb rubbing in comforting circles, just to let him know that he was still thinking of him.

Then, in five minutes or forty, a car arrived, Lauren was bundled in with one last round of hugs and comforting murmurs, and their little crowd began to disperse.

XXX

They're back inside, coats off. The music was loud, the air thick with heat and the scent of alcohol, bodies pressed close together moving over the sticky floor.

Phil leading, he and Dan joined the crowd, and soon they were dancing, moving together easily. It's gone two a.m. and the movements on the dancefloor had transitioned from exuberant jumping and silliness to couples gyrating to the beat, limbs and tongue tangling.

Dan and Phil were no exception. Long separated from their friends, it's just the two of them off in a darkened corner, dancing dirty.

Far past denying his impulses, Dan turned around to face Phil, arms around his neck as he felt Phil's hand slide up the back of his top.

Dan vaguely registered that they'd moved locations now. They were up against a door frame, Phil's leg between his own, and they're grinding together, bodies pressed close.

He can't be quite sure who started it, but then they were kissing, hard and deep, still moving to the music.

Just like that first night on the porch, Dan's awareness quickly shrank down to encapsulate only the two of them - the feel of Phil's lips on him, hands running over bare skin, the delicious friction between them - and he was utterly unconcerned with what kind of spectacle they might be putting on.

XXX

When the party began to break up in the early hours of the morning, Phil walked Dan back to his building, hands entwined once again. When they arrived, Dan thanked him for an amazing night, and Phil apologized again for the drama.

Still walking on air, Dan kissed Phil goodnight. It was just a peck on the lips – nothing, really, after all they'd done that night – yet it felt a little daring.

Finally they parted, hands still touching as Dan began to walk away, turning back for a last smile before before heading inside and up the stairs.

Dan fumbled for his keys and managed to into his room. Once inside, he turned to lean his back against the closed door.

His whole body felt electrified with happiness, his stomach still fluttering over his night with Phil.

This birthday had by far exceeded his expectations. Not just the drinking and dancing and laughing, but feeling wanted and important to someone, having Phil's attention focused entirely on him for a whole night. In fact, Dan couldn't remember ever feeling happier than he did in that moment.

That superlative was short-lived however, as Dan pulled out his vibrating phone to see a new text from Phil-

**Phil L:** had such a great time tonight! let's do that all the time, every day of our lives :D


	3. Promises

Dan lay abed for a long while the next morning, soothing his aching head and luxuriating in his memories of the night before.

Even if it hadn't entirely been an idyllic night, Dan cherished the feeling he'd had standing out in the cold night air, hand in hand with Phil. He'd been too drunk to pay enough attention to the drama to be annoyed by it, so instead he'd stood in his own little world admiring the starry sky, anchored only by the point of contact between them.

Honestly, Dan had been supremely content in that moment. He knew he was being silly, of course. It was such a little thing to get hung up over.

But still, as someone who always lingered at the edges, perpetually unsure of his welcome, to have Phil physically include him and then stick by his side the entire night, made Dan so incredibly happy. And he felt grateful to Phil for making him feel like he _belonged_, even if only for that one night.

As he sifted through his recollections, turning them over in his mind and filing them away to be revisited, Dan recalled a conversation that they'd had back in Phil's room.

Phil had been telling him about some get together his friend was having the next night, and had somehow extracted a promise from Dan to come with. Dan had been tentative the previous evening, thinking that one night was plenty of social interaction for a single weekend, but now he felt himself getting rather excited.

_Let's do this all the time, every night of our lives_. And what better time to start than tonight?

XXX

Dan barely ate anything all day, and he definitely didn't do anything productive. He felt jittery, his belly twisting in knots from nerves and anticipation, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that it was just hangover-induced queasiness.

Even after their intimacies on the dance floor and the text message that still made his stomach flip, Dan still wasn't sure what Phil's intentions were. _Intentions_. God he sounded like character in a Jane Austen novel, Dan thought.

But still, questions swirled in his head. So does this mean Phil is bi too? Does anybody else know? Did he even still feel the same this morning, sober?

Dan's insecurities were enough to make him decide that he'd wait to hear from Phil. Let him set the tone for how they'd move forward.

Dan didn't want to appear over eager and say something horrifically embarrassing or scare Phil away. He was sure to contact him to work out plans for tonight, so Dan would just take it from there. Try to stay calm, and just see where this thing goes.

With that decided, Dan whiled away the rest of his afternoon half-watching a film and faffing around on the internet. He may have spent a while scrolling through Facebook photos of Phil, but he'd certainly deny it if asked.

XXX

Dan began to get a little worried when dinner time came and passed without a text or call from Phil, but he put it down to Phil's habit of leaving things like this to the last minute. He figured he may as well start getting dressed, to keep his mind occupied as much as to be ready when Phil inevitably called to announced that he'd be over in five.

Dan dragged himself out of bed and down the hall to the showers. He took his time under the soothing, hot spray, washing away all the sweat and stickiness from yesterday while he allowed himself to play out potential scenarios in his head for the coming night.

Back in his room, Dan dressed slowly, hunting through his closet for the perfect outfit and being extra sure to stamp out any trace of curliness in his hair. He dragged his rituals out as much as he could, eyes darting over to his frustratingly silent phone every few minutes.

When even Dan could no longer fuss with his hair, he threw himself back on his bed with a sigh, phone in hand. A part of him suspected that Phil wasn't going to text, but he wasn't ready to give up hope quite yet.

Dan played games and scrolled aimlessly through twitter, trying to keep his mind from slipping into a morose pool of self-pity.

As the minutes continued to tick by, he was having less and less success.

He even composed a few messages to Phil, but he couldn't bring himself to send any of them. Regardless of the myriad other social graces Dan lacked, it was a point of pride for him to never appear needy or clingy, almost to the point of paranoia, and it prevented him from reaching out to the older boy.

Between his social inferiority and lusting after Phil for months, Dan keenly felt his dependent role in their relationship. Phil was the one in a position of power – the one who could make his dreams reality or else could crush him utterly – and so Dan felt that it had to be Phil who made the first move.

This restless indecision dragged on, Dan's self-deprecation and disappointment growing inversely to his hope of a happy night out with Phil. Around half ten, his wallowing was interrupted by a knock at the door. Dan's stomach jumped even as he told himself not to get his hopes up.

Moving to open the door, Dan found that he had been right to restrain himself. Standing in the hall was not Phil, but Evan, a boy on his hall who he'd gotten friendly-ish with during his first few weeks at school.

"Hey, what's up?" Dan greeted, trying not to let his disappointment or confusion show through.

"Hi Dan! I was actually wondering if you wanted to come out to a party with me? I know it's kinda late notice, but, um, I don't really want to show up alone, and, well, I kinda figured that you might not have other plans…" the boy trailed off. "What do you think?"

Dan weighed his options for a moment. He was still clinging to the small chance that Phil might yet contact him, but sitting in his room staring at his phone seemed a little too pathetic, even for him. He was dressed to go out anyway, and if Phil did text him, he could still meet up and it wouldn't seem like he'd just been sat waiting around for him.

"Yeah, that sounds great, actually. Let me just grab my coat."

XXX

Dan and Evan had made their entrance to the house party, a slightly more subdued affair than last night's rager. He and Evan chatted for a while, comparing notes on classes and professors, while they checked out the action.

Evan eventually found some friends of his and introduced Dan around. Dan attempted to join in on their conversation, but as Evan slipped away with a petite brunette a little while later, so did the last of Dan's motivation to be sociable.

He ducked away unnoticed and he wound his way through the crowd to the keg. He poured himself a beer, more for something to do than a desire to drink it. He shuffled over to lean against the wall, pulling out his mobile.

Nothing. Obviously.

He played around with his phone anyway, attempting to appear marginally less awkward than he felt. Damn it, Phil, Dan thought. He had been perfectly content before. Unrequited affection, while not an ideal state of affairs, was at least something that Dan was used to. He could deal with that. There was hope in that.

But then Phil had to go and hold his hand and kiss him and text him adorable promises. Dan had let his guard down and allowed himself to hope for more.

And look at where that had got him. He was such a fool.

Dan's eyes flickered to the doorway, intending to head back to his room and go to bed, putting this shitty night out of its misery, but his gaze landed on a laughing girl and the dark haired man whispering in her ear, arms wrapped around each other's waists. The man turned to face Dan's direction, and Dan felt his heart sink, his stomach twisting in a considerably less pleasurable way than it had been earlier in the day.

Dan's head said just get the fuck out of there, but his feet didn't seem to get the message. Then Phil had spotted him and waved, making his way across the room.

"Hey Dan!" Phil shouted with inebriated enthusiasm. "It's so good to see you out! You know Jenny, right?" he said, squeezing her closer.

"Hey," Dan greeted with a quirk of his eyebrows and an decidedly unenthusiastic half wave.

Jenny just tipped her head in acknowledgment, not seeming terribly impressed.

Drunkenly oblivious to Dan's poorly hidden displeasure, Phil blundered on, jabbering about the party they'd just come from and how much fun they'd been having.

Dan was only half-listening, torn between disappointment and anger. His attention snapped back to Phil as he heard him say something about going to find drinks.

"We'll see you around, yeah?" Phil called back, already moving towards the kitchen.

"Yeah," Dan echoed faintly.

He didn't mean it of course, turning immediately to make a beeline for the exit.

XXX

What hurt the most, Dan thought, was not even that Phil was out with some girl instead of him, but that he hadn't even acknowledged that he'd blown Dan off, let alone apologized.

Dan couldn't help but wonder: Did Phil not care that he'd broken plans with Dan? Did he not even remember making them? And did the same go for _all_ of last night, in addition his invitation to this party?

Dan felt sick to his stomach. He berated himself for being so foolish as to think that last night had changed things between them. Phil, with his endless string of hook-ups and a million pretty words for every occasion – how could Dan have been so stupid to think that he'd actually meant anything by it?

Dan was a nobody loser. One of a dozen hangers on at the outskirts of Phil's glamorous life. Sure, he might be interesting enough for a few night's distraction, but something better would always be waiting in the wings.

What had he expected? That Phil would be his_ boyfriend_ now? That was never going to happen.

Dan's thoughts consumed him on the walk home, and he barely noticed when he was back in his room. He kicked off his shoes and collapsed onto his bed with a groan. He buried his face in his pillow and tried to block out the whole of the last 24 hours, before he slipped into an exhausted, restless sleep.

**A/N - **Just a friendly reminder of the genre listed at the top of this story. Don't hate me?


	4. Expectations

Ok. So Phil wasn't interested in Dan romantically. That was fine. Dan could deal with that.

It wasn't like he'd even know what to do with a boyfriend anyway. They could put a few drunken make-outs behind them, even laugh about it, and carry on as friends. It was probably for the best that way.

That's what Dan tells himself at least. And it does work. Sort of.

The weeks drift by and Dan and Phil slip back into their old patterns. They hang out, watch movies, Dan tags along to a few weekend parties. Everything goes back to normal for a while. Or at least a minutely stiffer, slightly more distant normal.

XXX

They didn't have a falling out. No unkind words were said, and there wasn't a confrontation. Nevertheless, Dan and Phil began to drift apart. They were impeccably cordial but a little less honest with one another. Phil stopped by less frequently and started leaving early when he did, texting distractedly before making his excuses.

As much as Dan tries to deny it, he knows that he and Phil aren't quite as close as they used to be, and he blames himself. Surely Phil must have noticed his little crush, his overreaction to their drunken antics, and now things are weird. Not overwhelmingly so, but they are.

Dan didn't call him out on it, though. He doesn't want to seem needy and uncool. He's petrified of Phil picking up on his feelings for him and the inevitable humiliation.

Dan vows to act normal, or at least whatever his best guess at what that might be. He wasn't ready to let go, desperate to keep Phil in his life in whatever capacity he could, and so he lied and said he didn't mind.

XXX

Phil began spending more and more time with a girl named Jenny. She was pretty and popular and always laughing. Dan thought she was vapid and insufferable.

He attempted to befriend her, though, since she seemed to be becoming a permanent fixture in Phil's days, but she didn't seem any fonder of him than he of her.

Even when not physically present, Jenny began intrude further into the times Dan and Phil shared. She featured prominently in Phil's stories; she demanded his attention over text and phone call and social media, and whenever Phil offered some vague reason for having to head out early, it wasn't hard to guess where he was going.

Dan just smiled and acquiesced, trying to keep the hurt from showing on his face and the jealousy that seethed in his stomach at bay.

It wasn't that Dan even thought that they were together. Not that that was any comfort. If they'd been sleeping together, it still would have hurt, but it would be understandable. It would be closure.

As it was, Dan simply couldn't measure up as a friend to Phil, only there to fill the time when somebody better wasn't available.

"You don't mind if I head out, right?" Phil asked twenty minutes before the end of a movie that he'd barely paid any attention to, busy slipping his phone out of his pocket every few moments in a not-even-a-little-bit-inconspicuous gesture.

"No problem, have fun." Dan rearranged his face into a smiling mask with rather alarming ease. He'd had plenty of practice lately.

XXX

Far more than Jenny, however, Dan's real problem was that he couldn't seem to stay mad at Phil. He never stood up for himself, not really, and so nothing ever changed between them.

Phil would blow him off, _again_, and Dan would resolve to break it off. Just walk away and try to hold on to whatever self-respect and sanity he still possessed. If Phil wasn't willing to put the time and effort into their friendship, why should he?

But then Phil would call or stop by, and Dan's resolve was washed away before he even knew what was happening.

Phil never apologized for treating Dan badly, never acknowledged it or acted like anything was amiss. As the least confrontational or intimidating person Dan could imagine, he never broached the subject himself. In fact, he even began to question if maybe he was just being oversensitive and blowing everything out of proportion. Maybe this was just how normal people acted?

Phil would joke around and make Dan smile, melting away any lingering anger with his goofy antics and charm.

Previously a loner living an uneventful life in a sleepy Southern hamlet, Dan wasn't used to dealing with the tumult of emotions he experienced. He was buffeted about, through waves of alternating disappointment and hopefulness, seemingly helpless against the tide of Phil's capricious moods.

It was a cycle, and Dan was trapped inside. Dan realized this, but he didn't quite know how to break free. And to be honest, he wasn't quite sure that he wanted to.

Phil simply carried on, for all appearances blithely unaware of the turmoil that he put Dan through.

XXX

After the last time, Dan had sworn that he was done, over it. They'd had plans to see a gig in town. Just a college band, but Dan had been listening to them off bandcamp for a while, and he'd been really excited to see the show. He thought Phil was as well.

They'd planned to meet at the venue around 7, since Phil was coming from a dinner with Jenny. Obviously.

Dan had arrived around ten past, knowing that Phil was bound to be "fashionably" late, but of course, he was still too early. He leaned against the building next door, playing a game on his phone and trying his best to look inconspicuous.

By 7:30, Dan was starting to get really antsy. He felt like everybody was staring at him, wondering what kind of loser came to a concert alone. Being too distracted to stay alive for more than ten seconds at a go in his game, Dan gave up, composing a text message instead.

"Hey man, I'm at the gig. You want me to grab us tickets?"

Dan fiddled around, scrolling through his depressingly short contact list and clicking through screens at random while he waited for a response.

By quarter till 8, Dan decided he'd take a lap around the block, and if he hadn't heard from Phil, he'd just go in without him.

As he rounded the last corner, he scanned the small crowd around the entrance, his gaze searching longer than strictly necessary to spot a 6'2" man with black hair and an affinity for brightly colored checked tops.

His heart sank further into the pit of his stomach, but Dan decided he needed to man up and just go inside. Phil may have stood him up, but he wasn't going to stop Dan from seeing this show on top of it.

The band was good, Dan supposed, but he'd been too consumed by a feeling of acute awkwardness as he stood alone in a crowd of people to really get into the music. On top of that, he mind was churning, torn between imagining possible perfectly reasonable explanations for Phil's absence and crafting a satisfyingly biting rejection to Phil's sure to be forthcoming apology.

Caught up in the crush of people moving towards the exit after the show, Dan dared to check his phone again. Let's see what Phil has to say for himself, he thought.

Oh. Alright then. Still nothing.

On the trudge back to his room, Dan started imagining Phil having been in some sort of accident. Should he go try to find him? Make sure he's alright?

Thinking he sounded entirely too like his mother for comfort, Dan decided no. As much as he hated to face it, the chances of Phil acting like an ass far outweighed the possibility of some kind of tragedy. If Phil didn't want to talk to him, he didn't want to talk to Phil either.

It wasn't until 6pm the following evening that Dan got a text off Phil. "Hey sorry I couldn't make it last night. I got into some trouble with the Senior on my hall. Maybe another time, yeah?"

Seriously? Dan felt a flush of hot anger wash over him. Not only was it some lame excuse, but he could have easily let him know before the show last night. Or at _any_ point before now. And that was a pretty shite excuse for an apology.

For once, and probably far past due, Dan actually got mad. He was angry at Phil for blowing him off and acting like it was no big deal. He was angry at himself for putting up with this kind of treatment for so long and for _still_ being hung up on Phil. He was such a fool.

He got himself so worked up going over every transgression as they kept popping into his mind, getting more and more affronted by Phil's behavior and disgusted with his own.

Finally deciding enough was enough, Dan pulled up some loud, angsty music leftover from his earlier teenage years on his ipod and went outside for a long walk, hoping he could burn off some his anxious energy. It took a while, but it did work.

Maybe a bit too well, in fact. The next day, when Dan ran into Phil on the way to class, he just didn't really have the energy or the desire for a confrontation. No having ever heard back from Dan, Phil seemed to finally have picked up, at least a bit, on the fact that Dan was upset. He made an attempt at a proper apology, explaining something more about what had happened that night and how crazy everything got that was somehow supposed to explain why he'd never contacted Dan.

To be honest, Dan hadn't paid that much attention. He was so over Phil's bullshit excuses. But instead of calling him out on it, Dan found himself tiredly accepting the apology, just wanting to move on.

Dan realized he wasn't ready, or maybe just not strong enough, to cut Phil out of his life entirely, but he also couldn't keep dealing with the constant disappointment.

He would have to compromise. Dan decided that he just couldn't ever _expect_ anything from Phil. He'd just assume that he wasn't going to call or show up or do what he promised. That way, he could be pleasantly surprised whenever Phil _did_ pull through and skip over all the disappointment and resentment in the meantime. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest approach, but it sure had to beat what he'd gone through the last few months.

XXX

Then it's half midnight at another party. In a basement somewhere, celebrating one occasion or another, music blaring.

"We need to hang out together, just the two of us. We can get drunk and go out. And we should do dinner first," Phil said excitedly.

He had his arms looped around each Dan's' neck, their faces inches apart, obliviously whispering his plans and adoration. Phil was wasted, but Dan had just begun. Phil keeps tilting his head, looking like he's going in for a kiss, and it's all just tearing Dan up inside.

Because he's been disappointed before, and he knows that Phil's just drunk.

Dan forces himself to hold back, even though he so wants to give in. He's been dreaming of a moment like this for months, but...

_It's not real, he doesn't mean it. _That was the mantra looping in the back of his head, bolstering his resolve.

He humors Phil, scheming ways to rekindle their friendship or whatever the hell Phil's got into his drunken mind, but he doesn't let himself believe any of it. As much as he'd wished for Phil to say all these exact things to him, he's not deluded enough to think that his hollow promises will ever amount to anything real. He's been burned one too many times, and he's finally learned that it's safer to just expect nothing.

So as much as it pains him, Dan's also more than a little proud of himself as he pulls away from Phil, turning his back and slipping off into the crowd.

If nothing else, at least he's no longer a soppy, naive kid setting himself up for disappointment. It's not much comfort, but Dan clings to it as he fights off the tears threatening to choke his already ragged breathing.


	5. Confrontations

Dan found himself outside, back pressed against the cool grit of a brick wall as he tried to calm his breaths through the aching tightness in his chest. He shoved his hands deep into his jeans pockets and hunched his shoulders, curling in on himself as he replayed those last few minutes in his mind.

He should be proud of himself, really.

Phil had made it abundantly clear that he was only interested in Dan when he was drunk and lonely. Dan deserved better than that, he reminded himself. He knew that he should be happy that he'd stopped being such a fucking doormat for once, but somehow all he wanted to do was run back and fling himself at Phil, to take whatever he was willing to give, even if he knew that it wouldn't last.

Before Dan could do something stupid, however, a voice, apart from those swirling in his brain, interrupted his thoughts.

"Hey, it's Dan, right?"

Startled, Dan tried to paste a neutral expression over the heartache he was sure showed on his face before he looked up.

"Uh, yeah. Hey."

"Matt," the blonde boy offered, not seeming put off by Dan's lack of enthusiasm. "I think I hung out in your room a while back. You know Phil, right?"

Dan couldn't help but flinch a tiny bit at the sound of Phil's name, but he nodded appropriately as the details slotted back in place. Matt had been one of the guys that had come round the weekend he'd been snowed in. _That_ weekend, the first time he'd hooked up with Phil. Of course it would be.

Thankfully, Matt didn't seem to want to talk about Phil though. In fact, if Dan didn't know better, he'd say that Matt seemed quite interested in him. Throughout the generic "how's your night going" conversation, Matt had been almost disconcertingly attentive, seeming to hang on Dan's every word and laughing encouragingly at his weak attempts at humor.

Eventually Dan found himself back inside, at a different-but-exactly-the-same party, being handed a drink by Matt. He downed it quickly, wanting to drown out his treacherous brain in alcohol and music. And, possibly, in Matt.

A few drinks and some animated, though decidedly one-sided conversation later, and the pair pressed their way into the gyrating crowd on the dance floor. A comforting haze settled over Dan as he lost himself to the pulse of the music and the feeling of hands grasping his hips and trailing along his back, not caring to think overmuch about exactly whose hands they were.

"You want to get out of here, get some air?" Matt asked, lips grazing Dan's ear.

"Yeah, sure," Dan mumbled. He let himself be led out of the crowd, up a set of stairs, down a hallway, happy to let Matt take over responsibility for navigating. Much less effort.

The next thing that Dan remembers with much clarity is lying back on Matt's bed with the boy himself hovering above him, paused for a moment between kisses. A ripple of disappointment ran through him as he realized that it was not, in fact, Phil above him, as he'd half-imagined, but Dan shoved that thought deeply away and decided to focus on the boy who actually seemed to want him. Dan surged up to recapture the boy's lips with his own, using his momentum to reverse their positions, pushing away all thought in favor of the pleasure of another body grinding against his own.

XXX

Since the night of the party, it had been several weeks of cool interactions and half-hearted "we should really catch ups" between Dan and Phil. To Dan, Phil seemed as unaffected as ever. He went out and partied. He was always surrounded by friends, laughing and joking, whenever Dan happened to run across him at the student union or walking to class.

Dan was actually doing alright himself. He couldn't help the pang of desire or regret or whatever the hell it was (he didn't care to examine it too closely) that twisted his stomach whenever he caught a glimpse of Phil, but at the same time, he liked to think that he'd moved on. He'd even seen Matt again a few times.

The time Dan spent with Matt might not have been quite as electric as his encounters with Phil, but Matt was kind and dependable and surely that must be better? And yet, there was something keeping Dan from committing fully, and even he couldn't fool himself into thinking that it was anything other than Phil.

It was with this weighing on his mind that in a moment of drunken weakness, Dan sent a text.

He was just hoping for some closure really. He didn't have any illusions about how Phil felt about him romantically, but they were friends once upon a time, weren't they? And even if there was no possibility of a relationship, Dan still missed his best friend. The fact that Phil had seemed to drop him so easily almost definitely hurt more than the romantic rejection.

2:11 AM Dan: Why aren't we friends anymore?

Bleak, perhaps. Definitely too blunt. But that was the question that weighed the most heavily and took up space in the forefront of Dan's mind.

2:17 AM Phil: Of course we are! Miss you babe xx

_Seriously_, Phil? Dan thought, getting riled.

Of course there probably wasn't any good response to that question, but to not even acknowledge that anything had changed between them was just insulting.

Too drunk and too pissed off to care, Dan unleashed all his pent up frustration and anger towards Phil in a series of texts that would be liable to make a sailor blush.

After calling Phil out on all his broken promises and unleashing a few choice names on the older boy, Dan threw his phone down in disgust, not even caring what Phil's response might be.

Dan made his way over the drinks table, wanting to thoroughly blot out the memory of this evening before stumbling back to his room to pass out.

XXX

Across campus, Phil was sat in the corner of his respective party staring at his phone in something like a state of shock.

More than the harsh vitriol, it was the hurt evident in Dan's words that made him feel like he'd been punched in the gut.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be, he thought desperately as he fought the feeling that the room was closing in around him.

"Fuck," he muttered aloud. His eyes darted around the room nervously, looking for the exit. Snapping out of his inert state into a flurry of manic energy, Phil headed straight for it, headless of the friends calling after him and the annoyed looks of those he bumped into.

He needed to get out. He needed quiet and fresh air. He needed to think.

XXX

5:38 AM Phil: Can we please talk? I know I don't deserve it, but can we set a time to meet? I realize now that I owe you an explanation. I'm so sorry.

XXX

It was half twelve when Dan finally cracked his bleary eyes and reached for his mobile with groan to check the time.

When he saw "1 new message from Phil Lester," the memories from last night came crashing back like a physical weight on his chest. He flopped back on the bed and stared unseeing at the ceiling as he mentally berated himself. Why on earth had he felt compelled to send some desperate text at 2 am? He thought he was over that.

Oh god, and then the texts after that. Not that Phil hadn't deserved it, but still. He screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment. After a moment, he'd gathered himself enough to realize that he might as well see what Phil had had to say for himself.

Peeking though one eye, he brought the phone up to his face and opened the message.

Well. Dan didn't know what exactly he'd been expecting - more flippant denial? anger and name-calling to match his own? - but it was definitely not this.

He couldn't deny that it was immensely gratifying to see Phil finally acknowledge that he'd fucked Dan around, to feel like he was in the position of power for once, but he was still incredibly torn. He'd wanted this for months, but hadn't he moved on now? Dan had found somebody else, he'd made some friends who weren't originally Phil's, he'd even occasionally thought he might be something approaching happy.

And besides, what could Phil possibly have to say that could excuse his behavior?

Dan warred with himself in his head for a few minutes before finally giving in to what, he ruefully thought, was probably the inevitable.

There was only one way to find that out.

12:54 PM Dan: 4pm, Starbucks by Cooper's Hall.

XXX

Phil had spent hours wandering around campus, lost in thought with his hands shoved deep in his pockets and shoulders hunched, looking far more like the young, uncertain boy that he tried so hard to hide away than the rakishly confident, sometimes cocky, persona he normally projected.

In truth, Phil had been putting on that act for so long, that he was having trouble figuring out exactly where he stopped and it began.

Since when had he become the kind of person who used people carelessly and then tossed them aside when he was finished, he wondered. He'd worked so hard for so long to be popular, accepted, desired, but he felt like he was learning too late just how high a price it had cost him.

Eventually, exhausted and chilled to the bone, Phil had collapsed into bed and fallen asleep, uncomfortable thoughts still churning on the edges of his consciousness.

It was the vibration of his phone nearing one o'clock that finally woke him.

The momentary relief Phil felt that at least Dan was willing to talk to him was quickly overshadowed by the anxiety and despair that seized Phil when he began to contemplate what on earth he could say, how he could explain, that could ever possibly make things right with Dan.

XXX

At 3:52, Phil was sitting in a booth at Starbucks - the same booth he and Dan had spent so many hours in people watching and laughing while they pretended to do homework, he recalled with a pang of guilt - with two caramel macchiatos and the look of somebody about to face his executioner.

At 4:02, Dan hesitantly pushed open the entrance door, having spent the last four minutes pacing back and forth convincing himself to go through with this. Scanning the crowd, he caught sight of Phil sitting at a table, their table, with a small, tentative smile and a hand half-raised in greeting.

Dan couldn't bear to return his smile with anything more than a grimace, but he made his way over nonetheless.

"Hi," he stated gruffly.

If Phil wanted to talk to him, this would be up to him. Dan wasn't really in a mood to make this easy on him.

"Hi, Dan," Phil began, unable to keep a slight tremor out of his voice. He paused, unsure of what to say or how to start apologizing.

Dan just looked at him expectantly, his blank features not giving any hint of his emotions.

"Look, I know I've been a complete arsehole to you this year. I've been such a prat and you never deserved any of it."

"Yeah, I know," Dan shot back blankly.

That stung a bit, but Phil knew that he deserved it. He carried on undeterred.

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I want to at least explain what happened, because I really never meant to hurt you."

"I'm listening."

"Alright. Um, I guess I should start at the beginning, then. Which I guess would be secondary school."

Phil started fidgeting nervously with his cup, peeling it along the seam. He'd already decided earlier to tell Dan everything, but it wasn't making this any easier.

"When I was seventeen, I came out as bisexual. There was this boy, and I really didn't think that it was going to be as big a deal as it was. I mean, it was 2005, not 1955, right?"

He shook his head to clear out the memories that threatened to rush in. One thing at a time.

"I just told a few of my close friends, but they turned on me instantly. I'd never even suspected that they felt that way. I guess they were more comfortable with the _idea_ of homosexuality than encountering it in person," he added wryly.

"Anyway within a few days, the entire school knew. Everybody was talking behind my back and calling me names. My locker got graffitied and a bunch of jocks caught up with me behind the school one day..." Phil trailed off, absent-mindedly rubbing a hand over the forearm that had been fractured during that particular altercation.

"Anyway, that's not really important," he continued, knee bouncing under the table and he stared intently at a distant point just to the left of Dan.

"The point is that when I came to uni, I vowed that I would keep my sexuality a secret. I never wanted to go through that again."

Dan nodded in understanding. He was no stranger to school bullies, so he knew exactly how vicious they could be. He didn't want to interrupt Phil's story, and he wasn't ready to forgive him, no matter what truly horrible things had happened to him in high school, but he needed to acknowledge his appreciation that Phil was opening up to him about this at last.

"And honestly, it worked out great for me. At first, at least. I was popular, I was respected, I even had a girlfriend that I really liked for a while. But it got tiring, hiding something from everyone all the time. Every time a guy caught my eye at a party or a boy flirted with me, it would remind me of my dishonesty. Eventually, I did give in sometimes. I'd hook up with a guy on the dance floor, but I was careful never to leave with them, and I was always able to blame it on intoxication. Everybody knew I was hard partier, and I did a lot of stupid shit when I was drunk, so nobody ever thought much of it. I know it probably sounds stupid to you, but for me, there was still a line between drunken make-outs and actually being openly bi. And while one I might be able to laugh off in the morning, the other I was afraid could completely ruin the life that I'd built here."

Dan bit his tongue. There were so many things that he wanted to say. University is different than your small town high school; people are more accepting here. Surely if your friends don't have any problem with you kissing guys, they won't care if you're bi. But he let Phil carry on.

"Then you came along with your stupid smile and your jokes and your love for final fantasy and Chinese takeaway, and I knew I was in trouble."

Dan couldn't help but return the watery smile that quirked Phil's lips, because of course, he felt all those same thing towards Phil, or once did. But he also quickly reminded himself off all the reasons he was still very much angry with Phil.

"After we hooked up that first time, I fell back on my old standby and convinced myself that you were just drunk and it didn't mean anything. I didn't even know if you were into guys for sure, so I told myself that you weren't. I honestly had myself convinced for a while there that it was only my own heart that I was risking.

And I know I pretty much treated you like crap last semester, but I guess I was kind of just sabotaging myself, because I couldn't seem to stay away, but if you didn't want me around, then I wouldn't have to face reality. When you started seeing Matt, I was crushed, but I knew it for the best.

I was a coward and I'd lost the only person I've ever been able to see a future with, but at least I got to keep my popularity," he explained, the sneer of self-loathing evident in his voice.

"And you got somebody who could actually be honest with his feelings and treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

Dan's mind was spinning as he fought to digest all of this new information.

"I know I've done a shitty job of showing it, but I really do care about you, Dan, and I just wanted you to know that."

Phil stopped speaking there, finally forcing himself to look directly at Dan to attempt to gauge his reaction, but his face was just as impassive as it had been before.

Dan remained silent for a moment more, even though he could feel Phil's eyes boring into him, desperate for a response.

Even though he longed to give in, to accept Phil's apology and trust that he hadn't really meant any of those horrible things he'd done to him, hell, to just lean across the table and kiss the sadness and uncertainty on his face away...

But _no_. Hadn't he been here before? Wasn't this just more of the same manipulation, destined to end the same way: in heartache. Phil himself had confessed what a good actor he was when it came to his emotions.

Dan had to be sure that he wouldn't make the same mistake all over again.

"I want to believe you, Phil. I do," he began quietly.

"I know what it's like to be bullied for your sexuality, and I know how hurt and confused it can make you. I wasn't exactly keen to scream it from the rooftops either when I got to uni. But it never made me unkind to the people I cared about, the people who cared about me. If you don't want to be out, if you don't want to be together, I get that, but you were also just a really shite friend to me, and I don't know if I can let you back into my life," Dan admitted.

To his credit, Phil did look absolutely stricken at Dan's words. Dan felt a pang of regret, but before he could go back on his decision, Phil spoke.

"I know that. I swear I do," he said in a strangled tone.

"I didn't... I shouldn't ha-. I'm sorry, I'll go," Phil stuttered, already rising from his chair.

It took Dan a moment to fully process Phil's statement, and by the time he turned to softly call Phil's name, unsure even of what he wanted to say, the boy was already barging through the exit.


End file.
